


Modern Major General James Ironwood

by ImperialAxis



Category: RWBY
Genre: F/F, Humor, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29349828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialAxis/pseuds/ImperialAxis
Summary: When teams RWBY and JNPR are on the verge of defeat at Salem's hands, they are rescued by the valiant hero, Major General Ironwood!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Modern Major General James Ironwood

“You’ll never defeat us.” Ruby Rose stood valiantly before Salem and her assembled council in the depths of the Whale, her body bruised and battered, her aura broken. She was one solid blow away from death, but that wouldn’t be enough to stop her, nor the brave allies that stood at her flank. “There’s still one person you haven’t accounted for, and when he arrives he’s going to lead us to victory.”

“No, he won’t.” Cinder smirked viciously, her eyes gleaming with cruelty as she stalked up to Ruby. “We’ve already made plans to remove the General. If you surrender now, I will do you the mercy of killing you quickly.”

“You monsters~” Yang rested her hand over her chest, singing in a clear and beautiful contralto despite the array of guns, swords, and magic aimed her way. “You may believe you have the means to beat us all, just bear in mind that we are wards in Atlas, and Ironwood’s a Major General!~”

Cinder’s sneer faltered for a brief moment as Watts clutched fearfully at Salem’s coattails, his typical sneer suddenly vanished as he sang a soprano. “We’d better pause, or danger may befall, if Ironwood is a major general~”

“Yes, yes, he is a Major General!~” All of teams RWBY and JNPR burst into harmonious song, their spirits bolstered by the promise of approaching reinforcement.

“Yes, yes, I am a Major General~” The perfect baritone of James Ironwood filled the echoing chamber, parting the combatants before him like the Red Sea.

“For he is a Major General~” Mercury fearfully announced Ironwood’s presence, the assassin shaking in his metal boots before the powerful charisma of the Major General.

“He is! He is! Hurrah for the Major General~” All present chorused back in a rush of activity, half the room fearful, the other half inspired.

The fight renewed, both sides suddenly sure that they now fought for their very lives. But only one side had a Major General.

“And it is it is a glorious thing to be a Major General!~” Ironwood used a parasol not unlike Neo’s to casually block a great explosion of flame from Cinder, even in the same moment that he disarmed Neo with a single shot from his sidearm.

“It is! Hurrah for the Major General! Hurrah for the Major General!~” Their spirits reinvigorated, the forces of good fought back with twice the vigor that they had ever displayed, traveling in great flourishing dance-like leaps and bounds that left their foes unable to land a blow.

Ironwood assumed a parade formation with his subordinates and began to march, their well structured attack bearing down relentlessly on his foes. “I am the very model of a modern Major General, I’ve information animal vegetable and mineral~” He drew forth in succession from his mightily embossed uniform a miniature Grimm Whale plushie, a carrot, and a hunk of pyrite, displaying each of his claims to be an absolute truth.

“I know the kings of Atlas and I quote the fights historical, from Mountain Glenn to Waterloo in order categorical~” Ironwood leapt gracefully into the throne that Salem had created within their dueling ground, poised on its top with the perfect balance of a ballerina.

“I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, about binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news...” There was a short pause as he did a pirouette too fast for the naked eye to follow, bullets whizzing out and disarming every last member of Salem’s council from his blazing guns. “And many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse~”

“With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!~” The forces of good swept over their disarmed foes as Ironwood himself defeated those who could fight without weaponry, their cheerful tune lending them strength.

“With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!~” With every last evildoer bound and defeated, they began twirling about in a cheerful dance, moving around behind Ironwood in an impressive display of coordinated dance.

“With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!~” Their defeated foes couldn’t help joining in, those of them that had voices adding them in with enthusiasm.

“I'm very good at integral and differential calculus. I know the scientific names of beings animalculous. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General~” Slinging his orange parasol over his shoulder, Ironwood began to prance about the room as the chorus rang out.

“In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, he is the very model of a modern Major-General~” Everyone but Neo sang, united in the power of friendship and the glory of the Major General.

“In fact,” Ironwood drew himself up to his full height, the light reflecting beautifully off of his metal limbs, “when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin", when I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin, when such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at, and when I know precisely what is meant by ‘commissariat’...” His words were measured, cold and calculated in their pace such that they brilliantly kept his audience on the edge of their seats.

“When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery, when I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery. In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy, you'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.” His resounding conclusion nearly concussed the onlookers as they burst about gleefully.

“You’ll say a better Major General has never sat a gee!~” Salem’s futile scorn was directed at Ironwood in full force as the chorus burst out, yet was utterly without effect.

“You’ll say a better Major General has never sat a gee!~” Ruby cheered on her chivalrous ally as she led her gang of warriors in song.

“You’ll say a better Major General has never sat a gee!~” The ever stalwart Winter raised her saber in the air triumphantly as she skillfully directed the Atlas Miliary in their support.

Every eye lingered on Ironwood’s movements as he strolled and stood at the lookout perch Salem had placed in the Whale, his image reflecting upon itself many times over as he placed his hand over his heart and began a resounding finale. Around him, his allies stalked in a circle, creating a jerky dance that encircled his might.

“For my military knowledge though I’m plucky and adventury, has only been brought down to the beginning of the century, but still in matters animal, vegetable, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major General!~” Ironwood fanned out his hands dramatically, shaking them about in the air.

“But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, he is the very model of a modern Major-General~”

“Encore, encore!” At long last Neopolitan opened her mouth in a desperate plea.

###### 

“That play was terrible. How the hell did we let Ozpin give Ironwood the Lionheart treatment?” Yang made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat as they left the theater.

“Seriously, it was even less accurate than the Ember Island Players episode of Avatar.” Ruby bemoaned, mostly just sad about how utterly incompitent the whole thing made her look.

“I can’t believe the Atlesian government spent all this effort over all these years making Ironwood look like a fucking hero, but when it comes to economic equality it’s all just too much work, and too big a change.” Blake groused in turn, burying herself in Yang’s borrowed leather jacket.

“It just goes to show, you can get away with trying to kill an entire city of poor people as long as you’re rich and powerful enough. It’s something the aristocracy has known for centuries.” Weiss sighed and slipped a mittened hand into Blake’s own. “At least we still saved Mantle, in the end.”

“Okay, but I think the real war crime here was Neo talking. Like, that’s just such a shitty thing to do to someone, using someone's mutism as a way to glorify an authority figure with absolutely no understanding of why they might be mute.” Ruby spoke in defense of their absent girlfriend, the one who had wisely proclaimed that she didn’t want to take psychic damage from Atlesian propaganda.

“How is the most gremlin person in this relationship also the one with the best sense of self-preservation, anyway?” Yang mused as she slipped her hand into Blake’s free one.

“Oh well, at least we got to make out in a theatre, and we didn’t actually miss out on anything important.” Blake smirked, and winked at the camera as the lens closed.


End file.
